I AM JOHN FRANCIS

Love Letters to My Heroes

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 16:25:23 -0400

The reason that I’m writing this and posting it for the internet to see, is because I want these people to be honored by everyone who knows them. If you do know them, you may not even know this happened because these three individuals carry themselves with a level of humility that should be envied. If you read this, please tell them thank you from me, because hearing it out of my mouth alone would not do these individuals the justice they deserve. Hug them. Kiss them. Celebrate them.

A year ago this week I was diagnosed with Lymphoma, and started six months of chemotherapy. As anyone will tell you or as you may have had first hand experience; it is a very unpleasant experience. There was a huge group of people who supported me in so many ways from last July to this very moment. I could never find the words or the space to thank every single person who helped me. I hope a “you know who are, and I thank you” will suffice. If it doesn’t then rest assured you will all get your full due when you read the book I’m writing because I remember EVERYTHING.

There are three people I want to draw attention to, for they spent so much time taking me back and forth from the hospital; I think of them as my “partners in chemo.”

Justin Mortelliti: If I ever had children, I would want them to have a friend like you. You took me for my biopsy and you picked me up at almost every single chemo. You were reliable, steadfast and strong when I was weak, tired and confused. You always kept me laughing right up until the moments I would fall asleep on the couch in the middle of talking to you. And most importantly you provided me with ice cream. I love you.

Bekah Tripp: Whenever I question whether moving to Los Angeles was a good thing, I remember this is where I met you therefore it must have been one of the best decisions I ever have made. You took me to that hospital so many Friday mornings, took so many notes for me, listened when I couldn’t, and made my oncologist explain everything three times when I didn’t understand. You are the strongest person I know. You are the most talented person I know. You are the funniest person I know. Most importantly you made me feel safe when I was scared. I love you.

Shannon Hunt: It should be illegal to be as pretty, witty, smart and as caring as you are. You too, drove me so many times, sat with me so many times, and insisted on staying with me in that awful chemo treatment room when you didn’t have to. Every time I tried to be tough, every time I tried to do something on my own and every time I tried to disappear you put your foot down and made me accept help when I was too proud to accept it. It takes a lot to stand up to me, and you always did, and it was always such a relief. I love you.

The most amazing thing about these three people is that not a one of them had to do any of this. They chose to do it. It blows my mind. It makes me cry. And it makes me proud to call them friends. If you see them today or tomorrow or next week, be sure to tell them just how very much they are loved and appreciated. Thank you.

10 Things I'd Rather Do Than Go To Coachella

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 16:35:00 -0400

1) Read a blog entry on Huffington Post about dolphins by January Jones.

2) Spend an afternoon hanging out with Rick Santorum’s daughters learning how to perfect the braided side ponytail, so I can teach all my girlfriends, saving them a ton of money on birth control.

3) Have afternoon tea with Kim Kardashian, picking her brain for advice on love and life.

4) Watch an hour of Fox News and try to pin down an actual “fact.”

5) Watch an hour of Bravo and try to pinpoint the exact moment I started to get dumber.

6) Eat Dodger Dogs until I vomit.

7) Listen to a lecture on tolerance from Mel Gibson.

8) Help Michelle Obama get fat kids into shape.

9) Help Kanye West work on his self esteem.

10) Hit the tanning salon and get burnt, go outside, rub dirt on myself whilst peeing myself, drop a tab of E, turn on Spotify to listen to every band I’ve never cared about, and take the $$$ I saved from creating my own Coachella and buy myself a bike so I can run over everyone I hear say “Coachella was amazing.”

Us Magazine wants me to imagine a double date between Jay, Bey, Kim and 'Ye. Game on**.

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 16:02:00 -0400

**Featuring lyrics from the songs of the aforementioned artists, and musings from KK’s twitter feed.

Jay and Beyonce sit at a table at a fancy resturaunt. The Maitre’d approaches the table. Jay hands him a stack of cash.

Jay: 10 mintues after they arrive come to the table explaining that Auntie Solange is on the phone and Blue Ivy has a fever.

Maitre’d: This is 50 grand.

Jay: What’s 50 grand to a muthafucka like me/can you please remind me?

Maitre’d: That shit cray.

The Maitre’d walks away.

Beyonce: Mission 8/While we conversate/ we can skip small talk/ and get right to the chase. Oh!

Jay: Bitch behave/just might let you meet ‘Ye

Kanye and Kim enter.

Kim: ‘Ye can we get married at the mall?

Kanye: Look you need to crawl for your ball.

Beyonce opens her menu, looks at Jay.

Jay: That shit cray.

Kanye: Ain’t it J?

Kanye looks at Beyonce.

Kanye: What she order…fish filet?

Beyonce gives ‘Ye the side eye. ‘Ye looks at Jay.

Kanye: What’s that jacket? Margiela?

Kim: I think I’m gonna try chat roulette! Anyone on?!

Beyonce:You make me wanna throw my pager out the window/tell MCI to cut the phone pole. You a bug a boo.

Kim: Huh?

Beyonce: You’re buggin’

Kim: What?

Beyonce: You’re buggin’ me/and don’t you see it ain’t cool

Kanye texts Kim. Kim picks up phone and reads aloud.

Kim: Meet you in the bathroom stall/and show me why U deserve to have it all

Beyonce: It’s to the left.

Kim: Huh?

Beyonce: The bathroom. TO THE LEFT.

Kim gets up and goes to the bathroom.

Kanye: She got an ass that could swallow up a g-string

Beyonce: …and on top two bee stings.

Jay: If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son/I got 99 problems

Beyonce: But a bitch ain’t one.

Kanye: She in the bathroom/dancing all sleazy/I get calls like/where are you Weezy?

Kim comes back.

Kim: Wow can’t believe that Season 7 of Keeping Up With the Kardashians will debut in May!!! Dolls, can u believe its been 7 seasons!

Jay: Ladies is pimps too/ Go on brush your shoulders off.

The Maitre’d approaches.

Maitre’d: Auntie Solaris is on the phone. Green Fern has a fever.

Beyonce: At…LAAAAAASSSSSSST.

Lance Bass, I'd rather you apologize for the following:

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 12:02:31 -0500

Lance Bass is ~~totally enjoying all this free publicity~~ in hot water for using the word “tranny” on that stalwart news program ~~60 Minutes~~ Access Hollywood and wrote a apology.

Here’s the link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lance-bass/why-we-shouldnt-use-the-word-tranny_b_1168078.html

And more importantly here are the things I’d rather he’d apologize for:

1) Your ~~highlights~~ hair.

2) The title of your ~~spellbinding memoir~~ book.

3) Dating ~~that tall foreign fame whoring reality tv scutty~~ Reichen.

4) Not reminding outraged trannies to grow a pair of balls and listen to ~~Dee Synder’s~~ Xtina’s mantra that words can’t bring you down.

5) Your ~~existence~~ fame.

PS- I’m just teasing Lance, I mean.. you live in the Valley, and that makes you awesome.

First I copied the photo, and then I unfriended the person that ...

Sat, 24 Dec 2011 00:03:03 -0500

First I copied the photo, and then I unfriended the person that posted it for their lack of irony.

So this happened...

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:50:00 -0500

INT. Chemo Treatment Room-Day Me: (to Nurse) What’s your name again? Nurse: Novy. Me: Oh, Ok. Nurse: I’m the one that accidentally cut you with scissors before. Me: Yes, That’s right. You should not have reminded me of that. Nurse: Would you like a cupcake? They’re peppermint.

Bravo, Nicole Sherzinger. Bra.Vo.

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 16:16:00 -0500

It’s a GOOD thing she helped banish that annoying Rachael Crow to the Disney Channel for the next 5 years where we won’t have to deal with her until she rebels like Miley, Selena, and the fat one who cuts herself and sings about skyscrapers. (I consider Selena’s rebellion dating Bieber, since he looks like a lesbian, therefore making this her bi/experimental period by default).

Uh-oh. There’s a Hoarder in the Hood.

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:33:32 -0500

Uh-oh. There’s a Hoarder in the Hood.

My super right wing ultra religious neighbor (MSRWURN) PART 2

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 17:04:19 -0500

EXT. Blix Villas-DAY

SUPER RIGHT WING ULTRA RELIGIOUS NEIGHBOR APPROACHES JOHN.

MSRWURN:Merry Christmas, John.

JOHN: (deciding not to wage his liberal/socialist war against Christmas) Merry Christmas.

MSRWURN: THANK YOU.

JOHN: For chrissakes.

There have to be easier ways to get paid

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 16:19:59 -0500

I just took money hidden under a rock from the roof of a garage. And that’s not even the most degrading thing that will happen to me this week.

Kinda Gay. Kitchen Garage. Kurt Gieger. Kilo Gram. Kid...

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 03:09:00 -0500

Kinda Gay.

Kitchen Garage.

Kurt Gieger.

Kilo Gram.

Kid Grainger.

…Did I miss anything???

My super right wing ultra religious neighbor(MSRWURN)

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 02:53:00 -0500

MSRWURN: Merry Christmas!

Me: Happy Holidays.

MSRWURN: (in the tone of a Fox News Contributor) MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Keep the conversation to a minimum please

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 02:48:00 -0500

My waitress tonight asked if we saw anything that “tickled our fancy.” Bitch, I did that job for years and never EVER had to resort to THAT line.

Not only did we get a new movie theater, but I found a pony...

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 02:44:46 -0500

Not only did we get a new movie theater, but I found a pony across the street. Tied to a railing…North Hollywood: you never fail to impress me.